Dude #26

Dude #26 is different from all the others in that we did not meet on a dating app.

We actually connected on Instagram. Somewhere along the way he started following me. Sometime after that I followed him back. At some point after that we started a conversation. I’m not getting any more specific because of the whole confidentiality thing.

He lives in a neighboring suburb (same one as Dude #25 actually) and although he’s 9 years younger than me, we have some things in common and had a really nice conversation going.

We talked every day for 2 weeks before we met in person.

On the Monday of Thanksgiving week, he asked what my schedule was like that week. “We should get together if you’re free.”

I let him know I had my kids ’til Friday, no big plans for the weekend and fairly free after work the following week.

On Friday he asked if I was interested in grabbing a drink that evening. I said I’d like that.

We did a little back and forth and settled on a time and place. He asked if I’d like him to pick me up. I had an errand to run beforehand, so said I’d meet him there (also, safety first).

We had a drink and a really good conversation. We talked about music and movies.

I told him that it was the first time I’d ever gone on a date with someone I met on Instagram.

He told me that he had offered to pick me up because he wanted it to be very clear that it was a date. I let him know that I really appreciated that. I do love clarity. 😊

The following evening he came over with Dairy Queen (yum!) and a movie to watch. We snuggled on the couch and watched Goonies — he had never seen it!

We continued to chat and met for a drink again the following Thursday; our 3rd time hanging out in 7 days. Once again, we had a really good conversation. The time flew by. We agreed that we both really enjoyed our connection and chemistry.

Since I got my kids back the next day, we made a non-specific plan to see each other again the following weekend.

And then the conversation dwindled…

He had a rough week. I don’t know what happened but he is a caregiver for a family member and he was struggling with the stressors that come with that. He needed to take it easy for the weekend.

Now I am, by nature, a nurturer, so I really wanted to be able to support and help him, but I also get it that he didn’t really know me well enough yet to confide in me about what I’m sure feels like very private family stuff.

I continued to message periodically. He’d sometimes answer and sometimes not for a couple days. On the Monday before Christmas, he texted asking to touch base by phone. We spoke very briefly.

I texted a couple times over the course of the week.

I asked a specific question and got no answer.

“Happy Christmas Eve Eve” on the 23rd. Nothing.

“Merry Christmas” the day of. Nothing.

I reached out on Monday reiterating that I have an abundance of free time this week and would like to see him again. Also that I understand he’s got a lot going on, I hope everything’s okay, and that I would appreciate at least knowing if he was even still interested.

I realized after sending that it may have come off bitchy, so I texted again, apologizing if that was the case and explaining that I had had a rough week and I was just curious as to where I stand.

He replied that he enjoyed the time we got to spend together, apologized for “disappointing” me with his lack of attention and said he understands the frustration. He also said that he can’t promise to be more attentive going forward.

“You did nothing wrong” he said.

Full disclosure, I feel like I must be doing something wrong, because this same thing keeps happening to me over and over. Clearly there’s a lesson I’m meant to learn here that I haven’t yet.

I’d really love to know what changed that we talked every day for two weeks before we met and then barely at all. I told him this.

I had told him in the past that I’m a good listener and would like to support him if he wanted to talk about what was going on in his life as a caregiver. Also that I do actually have some relevant knowledge and experience with the condition his family member is experiencing, from two different jobs I had in my 20s. Again, my nurturer nature has me just wanting to help.

I’m really not the girl who needs a lot of attention, but I do like to know where I stand and communication is important to me. I let him know this too.

The bottom line is I can’t keep trying to have a conversation with someone who isn’t participating in that conversation. And apparently, at least right now, he’s not able to participate.

I told him I’d like to talk things out (what changed, what we each can and cannot offer, etc) but I can’t make him want that too, so the ball’s in his court.

Will I hear from him again? Maybe when things calm down for him?

I sincerely hope so.

Of course all this is happening over the holidays. Meanwhile, “single for the holidays” hit me hard this year. I did not see it coming. It really didn’t bother me in previous years, and it’s clear to me now that subconsciously I was naïve enough to think it never would.

So I think all this with Dude #26 feels that much harder because of the timing.

I didn’t mean this to be a New Year’s post, but I am decluttering (writing these last 2 entries is part of my emotional decluttering) and letting things go as we wrap up the year.

Over the past several years, the universe has provided me an abundance of opportunities to build and prove my resilience. I am incredibly resilient - it’s probably one of my defining traits to be honest, and I have nothing left to prove in that area.

I’m practicing letting go of my tendency to catastrophize and assume everything will be a struggle.

I’m now calling in ease and flow. In all areas of my life, including dating and romance.

I look forward to an abundance of opportunities to not have to be defined by my resilience.

I wish the same for anyone who reads this.