Dude #25

The story with Dude #25 begins much the same way as the others… we matched and started chatting.

We seemed to be very much on the same page as far as what we’re looking for. We live in neighboring suburbs and fairly early in the conversation he suggested a “coffee or happy hour date”, deferring to my availability since my kids are with me half the time. I told him I would like that and my kids were going back to their dad’s that Friday and I didn’t really have any plans for the weekend.

Saturday afternoon at 3:17 (yes, times of communication are relevant to the story) he asked if I had plans that afternoon.

At 3:30 I replied that I was out running errands but no plans after that. I asked if he had time for that coffee or happy hour date he had mentioned.

Him: Would love that! How would you like to stop by here around 5? (3:37 PM)

Me: I prefer a public place for meeting someone new. Safety first you know. (3:40 PM)

Him (at 6:22): Understandable entirely. How about a coffee date tomorrow? (and he proposed a place)

I told him that I had been wondering if wanting to meet in public was a deal-breaker for him. He said that he had received an unexpected call that he had to take and asked if I was available to talk on the phone.

So we did. We had a great conversation and good phone-chemistry, which is usually a good sign. We agreed to coffee the next day (Sunday) after I was finished with work. Excellent, things are looking up.

The next morning, I texted before I started work, hoping to confirm a time for coffee, reminding him that I’d be done working at 2:00.

He had friends coming by for lunch around 1:00 and asked if he could touch base after they left.

I agreed.

THE NEXT MORNING (actually at my 11:00 lunch time) he texted “Looks like that coffee was a bust.”

Him: Free today to meet for coffee over lunch at (place chosen previously)?

Me: Sorry but I’m going to have to pass.

Him: Busy Monday?

Me: Yes. Also to be honest I’m not feeling as though you respect the value of my time, which is usually a sign of a mismatch.

Him: Oh my goodness! I’m so sorry Lisa! Is this about yesterday? What specifically made you feel disrespected, please tell me?

Me: Saturday I stopped running errands and came home because I thought I’d hear back from you and need to get changed to meet up. Yesterday, I based my day on a plan for coffee after work. I showered before work. I didn’t work out after work because I was waiting to hear back from you.

He thanked me for taking the time to explain. He acknowledged that his weekend was busier than he expected and that this was “poorly communicated at best”. He validated how I felt and apologized.

He said he’d understand if I didn’t want to proceed further, but that it would be “entirely one sided”. He said he’d still love to meet me.

The acknowledgement, validation, and what seemed like a sincere apology had me feeling optimistic.

So I explained that I was somewhat torn because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, I appreciated that he didn’t get defensive, I did enjoy talking to him and was excited to meet him too.

However, I explained, I’m a planner and tend to struggle with people who don’t follow through with plans. Spontaneity is not my strong suit and I don’t tend to match well with super spontaneous people. “I also don’t want to get involved with someone who has to fit me in to the nooks and crannies of his time. I get that everyone’s busy, but I think I’m worth making time for.” It felt good to be clear about that part. I have to give myself credit that I’ve gotten much better at standing in my own value and the value of my time.

Him (several hours later, after I was asleep): I took some time to collect my thoughts. I’m not careless or selfish.

We touched base the next morning. He was clear that it was up to me.

Me: After giving it some thought, I’d like to try again to meet. Maybe we’ll want to get to know each other better. Maybe we’ll find something worth pursuing. Maybe we’ll connect as friends. Maybe we’ll find that we’re not a match in any way. Regardless, I’d love to avoid having to wonder “what if…?”.

He asked when and where I’d like to meet and I went through my availability for the week.

The next day was Wednesday.

Him: Hi Lisa, how is tonight still looking for you? (11:08 AM)

Me: I am still free this evening. I’m already tired today though, so I wouldn’t want to be out super late. (11:17)

Him: Lol (11:38)

Me: Just being honest. (11:41)

Me: Would you like to make a plan? (11:46 AM)

Me: I guess that’s a no. Bummer. (8:09 PM)

The End

I haven’t heard from him since.

I know most of this entry was just sharing text conversations, but I really think they tell the story pretty clearly.

I really do understand then not everyone is the communicator or planner that I am but COME ON.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being punked.